Back from the BEYOND (Journey Beyond)

I really appreciate your prayers this past week while I was at "Journey Beyond" the advanced program for "Journey into Manhood" (JiM) grads. All I'll say for now is that I just returned from the most AMAZING ssa-healing experience ever! God made his presence known in a POWERFUL way the past 6 days. It was a major healing experience for all of us.

I cried (gallons) non-stop for four full days and then again last night when I got home. About 1/3 of that was crying with and for others. I felt so attuned to their wounds that I probably cried more for them than I did when it was my turn. My whole face covered in snot - it was nasty. ;)

Another 1/3 of the crying was a "draining of the swamp" for experiences and losses I should have grieved 15-20 years ago. I had a lot of support from the brothers there when re-experiencing that. Another 1/3 of the crying though was tears of absolute JOY!
I can definitely understand now why they didn't let me go last year. I would NOT have been prepared to handle it in a healthy way a year ago. I felt like I and the others were well supported though when we had to face our issues.

During one particular process I was able to see and experience God walking with me through all of the dark moments of my past -the worst of the wounds and the worst of my sins. The times in my life where I felt I was the farthest from God. It seems like he shined a brilliant light into those dark places (I could see even the dark rooms I had been in back then being lit up with a blinding light. Nothing was secret, but everything was being restored. I really experienced first hand the way He has been able to use those bad experiences for good and for fulfilling the work that He has for me to do in affirming others and leading others to Him and walking with them in their healing.

"I Thirst for You!"

I'm working on a talk that I'm giving to my "Knights of Columbus" council tomorrow night on the book "Be a Man" by Fr. Larry Richards.

Anyway, I just ran across an AWESOME video and thought you might like it:

Pax Christi,
Jeremy

Fr. Check on EWTN

 

Here is an interview with Fr. Check, the Director of the COURAGE Apolstolate, Fr. Check on EWTN. He talks about our "Sports Camp" around the 39min mark.  He was on my team for Baseball, Football, and Basketball.

Divine Appointment "in the Gayberhood"

I had a really interesting (challenging, but rewarding) experience last night with my guys' bible study group.
(this is the group I mentioned before where we shot the propane tank with the AK 47 on our last retreat: see video here: http://youtu.be/QeTz8efOoEc).

Most of the guys are evangelical protestant. I'm probably the only Catholic in the group, but we've gotten along pretty well. Last night, my friend Jason was leading and he started talking about this concept called "Divine Appointments." It's a bit of Charismatic thing I guess, but mostly it required more boldness than anything else.

He started by asking us to pray for a while and listen for God to speak and to reveal one person to each of us that we needed to pray for or talk to that night.

Then he told us first to ask God to reveal to us a place / location and to write down the first thing that came to mind. At first I saw this cafe in my head, but I kept telling myself "no" because it's in the gay part of town and I KNEW God wouldn't want me going there.

Then Jason said:

"The 1st voice you hear is God's voice. The 2nd voice is you trying to talk yourself out of what you heard from God and the 3rd voice is Satan trying to convince you that you were right and that couldn't have been from God." 

So, I went ahead and reluctantly wrote down "Cafe Brazil in Oaklawn."

Then we were supposed to write down anything that came to mind about a person. I thought of someone wearing a "white sweater, blue jeans and white tennis shoes" - so I wrote that down. Then I thought "No person in Oaklawn would be caught dead wearing THAT!...hello, fashion police?!"  ;)

Anyway, I wanted to scratch it all out, but I left it alone

When everyone was finished and we ended up splitting into small groups and getting into cars to go find the persons we had described and pray with or evangelize them. I was really nervous and freaked out - leading two of my non-SSA friends (who didn't yet know about MY SSA) right into Dallas's GAYberhood. I hadn't been there myself in over a year and it's always a place where people are Lewd, Crude, and Socially Unacceptable (24 hours a day!)

We got there and I started saying "Let's go to a DIFFERENT Cafe Brazil" I'm sure it can't be this one!" but my friends said "NO! We're going here first. It's what YOU wrote down." 

We walked up and there was a guy standing right in the doorway wearing a white sweatshirt, blue jeans, and white tennis shoes.I could tell he was SSA and I froze up.

Jason asked "Is that him? Is that your guy?"

What is Love?

Below is an email I sent to a friend. The analysis of Romeo and Juliet was first brought to my attention in a book by Mario Bergner called Setting Love in Order, a book that I would highly recommend. It is a short, quick read, but really powerful.

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I think it is pretty enlightening when we measure our own thoughts, motives, and actions against God's description of Love in 1 Cor 13. It is rare that we live up to this, but I've noticed when I was in the lifestyle that I was constantly doing things that were the exactly the opposite and yet calling it "love."

"⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes. Love never ends."  1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The last sentence drives home an important point. There is a song I used to listen to in high school that went “It must have been Love, but it's over now...” Unfortunately it really epitomizes the pathetic and erroneous view I used to have that Love was an emotion or feeling that can come and go or can be conditional. I just googled the lyrics to that song. It goes:

“It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out”

ABC Nightline - decision

This is an email I sent to my CRHP team at church on September 29th, but refrained form posting online until after the story aired on ABC Nightline.I'm posting it online now that the story has aired. :)
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From: Jeremy@_____
Sent: Wednesday, September 29, 2010 1:38 PM
To: ____@yahoogroups.com
Subject: ABC Nightline interview - Prayer Request

This is still kind of awkward and embarrassing to explain via email, but I'll try my best. Those who know my CRHP witness (from a few years ago) know that I've benefited a lot from the Catholic group called "Courage" - http://www.couragerc.net/, which helps people with the homosexual condition live chaste lives in accordance with our Catholic faith.

There is another program (which is endorsed by Courage) that I have also been very involved with this past
 year called "Journey into Manhood" or (JiM). It's a challenging psychology-based program that addresses the underlying root causes of homosexuality and it has had tremendous help to me in completing the recovery and reversal of this condition.

A few months ago, ABC Nightline approached People Can Change, the program's founder about doing a story. He asked for advice from all of us and several of us urged him to do it. After talking with the Producer, reviewing some of the past Nightline programs and talking with a media consultant, Rich decided that in this particular case there was a good chance we would get a fair presentation of our cause.

They decided to re-enact part of a weekend with past participants and allow ABC to film the experience. They wanted to interview one participant on camera and follow him through the entire experience (showing the program through his eyes). My friend Pret (Preston) volunteered for this role. He and his wife Megan prayerfully considered it and decided to go forward.

Twelve of us met at a retreat center near Houston to re-enact the weekend for Nightline's cameras. We all fasted and prayed for several days. Originally (with the exception of Preston), we were ALL going to have our faces blurred and voices disguised.  However, Friday night in the cabin, 2 of my friends and I had a chance to talk away from the cameras.

We were discussing our frustration about how effective the other side seems to be in getting their message across. They seem to have the whole world convinced now that living a gay lifestyle is genetic, unchangeable, and even "healthy." All of us know now from our own personal experience that the opposite is true. In the past though, we had believed their message and this kept us trapped in self-destructive sin for a long time. My friend Ty said "Well, they are not afraid to show their faces and we are."  I thought "Ok, well let's change the subject then." (I didn't like where the conversation was going;).

The Holy Spirit must have had a different idea though. That night three of us decided individually that our fear of NOT getting the message out was far more significant than our fear of any potential consequences from being seen on TV. The next morning the three of us told the ABC producer that we would allow our faces to be shown and fully support Preston.

I was still terrified of the idea. For a while I actually thought I could just passive-aggressively keep away from the cameras or stay far enough back that I wouldn't really be noticed. I figured at first that even though I was going to allow my face to be seen that I could still be just like a movie extra and no one would really pay attention or notice me on TV. At first, whenever I wanted to speak up I tried to time it for the brief moments when the camera was off (when they were changing tapes). As the day went on though I became more aware of Christ's presence and He gave me a lot of courage.

In the end the 4 of us did a group interview on camera. I was able to speak authentically and answer some pointed questions. They asked if I was just "suppressing my true self." I was rather passionate in explaining that I was far more "suppressed" back when I was in the gay lifestyle because that was NEVER who I really was or what God had created me for.  My life has been infinitely better in every way shape and form since I turned to Christ and began pursuing His will for my life.

For some reason I felt fearless during that interview. Ever since though I've been a lot more nervous. I know the program will probably create some negative backlash from the opposing side, but I'm not sure if any of that will affect me personally. I haven't really told anyone about it other than in vague reference. (For some reason it was so much easier just talking to the 'nice lady with a camera').

They filmed us for 14 hours. No matter how they edit it, there will be parts that will embarrass and humiliate me. A priest from Courage explained to me though that even in a worse case scenario "God's work will still succeed even if the rest of the world sees it as a failure." The mission for this program is the souls that will be reached even if the rest of the spectators do not understand it.

Anyway, I'd really appreciate your prayers. I really hope this turns out well and gets the message out to those who really need to hear it. I know they will show the other side also, but I hope they give us a fair presentation.  This will air on ABC Nightline sometime in the next 2-6 weeks (not sure when yet). The audience is about 1.5 million people.

Pax Christi,
Jeremy

"Lucky for me no one I know reads your little TIME magazine...or whatever it's called."  - Derek Zoolander

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 Update: The program aired on Monday November 22nd and they cut out our group interview (so I was only seen a few times in the background which was a relief:)

My Best Friend's Wedding and Luke 14:7-11

I had a really AWESOME experience this past weekend with my friend Ryan's wedding and ironically it tied in perfectly with Saturday's Gospel reading (below).

Ryan is an OSA (opposite-sex attracted) friend that I met a year ago when I first started coming out of the lifestyle and started going to The Retreat (my Tuesday night guys' bible study group).  Prior to this past year I had always had the lowest of expectations when it came to friendships with OSA guys. I didn't expect rejection from them necessarily, but I had always expected them to be indifferent to me. This was because since I was 15, I had been in the gay lifestyle - relating to men solely in unhealthy ways and seeing that as my ONLY value to other men.

I spent the past year struggling to break free of those old mindsets and Ryan and Jason were two of the friends who helped me a lot. They both witnessed the graphic details of my struggle to break free and stayed in the fight with me. Their Christ-centered love was amazing. They've been amazing role models for me in terms of healthy non-ssa friendships.

Ryan is also a very outgoing guy with tons of friends that have been close to him for years (some since childhood, others from college, etc.) I've always felt secure in the friendship - whereas in the past I would have defensively detached early on (assuming I couldn't "compete" or "offer anything" --- my old SSA ways of thinking). I didn't fall into that mindset with this friendship and that enabled me to be blessed abundantly with a very healthy and mutually affirming friendship.

This past weekend was Ryan's wedding and I was asked to be an usher and I felt honored to be asked to fill that role (especially since he has a LOT of close friends he could have asked).

During the reception I was helping the family coordinate with the DJ and caterers. I hadn't thought to look for a place to sit initially. I'm used to being invited to big political fund-raising dinners by working behind the scenes. At those events they never remember to assign a seat for me and the coordinators there usually tell me to "just look for an empty seat and take it."  I've never thought much of it since at those events I'm usually too busy to sit down and eat anyway.

Saturday night though, someone asked me where I was "sitting." I answered, "well, I'm not sure. It's not a big deal." They said, "well, where are you assigned?" I said, "what do you mean?"  They pointed to a string that was hanging up with Name cards and table assignments. There were only a few cards left. I hadn't even thought of looking at it because I didn't expect that they would put MY name up there.

I finally looked and was surprised to see my name. I pulled the card and looked at the table number. I looked to the very front and saw that my table included the wedding party. I almost cried actually. I thought that it must be a mistake. I didn't feel worthy to be at the "Main" table.

Back in March, when I started going to daily mass (a few times a week), I also started reading the Bible each day. I chose to follow the Roman Liturgical (daily mass) calendar at first because it is relatively short, but also so I could follow the Christian calendar and form my life by the events of life of Christ (that the calendar models). I'd been helping setup for the wedding so I didn't get to read the Saturday reading until I got home (after midnight).
Here is the Gospel reading for Saturday Oct 31, 2010:

He told a parable to those who had been invited,
noticing how they were choosing the places of honor at the table."When you are invited by someone to a wedding banquet, do not recline at table in the place of honor. A more distinguished guest than you may have been invited by him, and the host who invited both of you may approach you and say,

‘Give your place to this man,’ and then you would proceed with embarrassment to take the lowest place. Rather, when you are invited,
go and take the lowest place so that when the host comes to you he may say, ‘My friend, move up to a higher position.’ Then you will enjoy the esteem of your companions at the table. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”  - Luke 14:7-11

Pax Christi,
Jeremy

Reply to my old gay bible study group

Last week, I got an email from an old friend in the bible study group that I used to attend with my ex-partner, Tim until about six months ago. His email was about my choice to leave the gay lifestyle. 

He said he feared I was being "brainwashed." His email really upset me. I wanted to respond immediately, but knew I shouldn't at that moment. I finally calmed down and wrote this response (below): 
 
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Hi ______,

I appreciate your email and concern. I care about you and the rest of the men in the group as well. As I mentioned I never intended to sound judgmental or critical of anyone else. I realize that different churches have varying views on the morality of homosexuality. There MAY be several ways of interpreting the Hebrew in Leviticus or the Greek words in Romans. I don't really know. In the past I used to get bogged down in that and I had a lot uncertainty and doubt.

My decision this past year wasn't really about that specific issue though. I remember hearing once that "sin is a failure to love." At first I thought that was a watered down perspective, but I think it might be accurate.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."  - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Over this past several years I've realized that I only feel homosexual feelings (romantic or physical) when I feel inadequate in my own sense of self or masculinity and/or when I perceive that another guy has the qualities (personality or physical) that I feel that I lack. It is impossible for me to be attracted to another male or female person (romantically or physically) without first seeing them as an Opposite of myself. Since I am undeniably a Man (biologically and psychologically), attraction to another Man first requires a lot of insecurity about myself as well as a lot of false hopes and illusions about what the connection with the other Man will somehow provide. 

From my own experience I can see that ALL of my previous homosexual relationships (or encounters) started with me first feeling hopeless, jealous, envious, and distrusting, and then impatiently (and desperately) self-seeking my own end to the detriment of the other Man. This was usually followed by a false pride/boasting to cover up the emptiness that followed. The exact opposite of 1 Cor 13.

Regardless of how anyone spins Leviticus or Romans, THAT is sin. It is NOT Love. It is the exact opposite of Love in ever way shape or form.

You mentioned that you didn't believe me when I said "I didn't love Tim" and that you could tell I had feelings involved.  What I meant is that I FAILED to love him. I wanted to and even tried really hard to, but the homosexual feelings got in the way. I can only speak for myself and I have no room to judge or condemn anyone else, but I know with certainty I cannot Love someone and pursue a homosexual relationship with them at the same time. For me, those are mutually exclusive things.

I had strong romantic feelings for Tim, but those were barriers to Love. They were not Love in and of themselves because they were not oriented toward Tim's best good. They were geared toward filling voids in myself that no other human being can meet in the first place. Even though we will never see each other in person again, I have more real Love for Tim now than ever before. I pray for him every day and fast/pray for him often. I pray that God will heal his wounds (including those that I inflicted through my sin and selfishness).

You mentioned that you thought I was "over-selling" my current state of happiness. I appreciate your concern on that, but I really am happier than I've ever been in my life. I did not mean to imply though that everything is easy or perfect now. There are challenges and difficult days, but things are still infinitely better than ever before. Sometimes they are harder than before. It used to seem so much easier to believe the demonic lies about myself and believe I was inadequate or flawed and then suppressing my true self and looking for some other man to be a man For Me.

I still feel the inadequacy and insecurities that have driven my homosexual challenges in the past, but not nearly as often. When I do, I find it much harder now to even begin to believe the lies that used to make homosexuality a temptation. It's about 20% of what they used to be.

Sometimes that makes situations harder to deal with in the short-term. I was so used to using homosexuality to medicate and numb out everything. It is a lot harder to face things head on, but I've noticed whenever I do, I tend to grow a lot more and get a lot stronger from it. That usually builds my confidence and enables me to see that I wasn't less of a man after all.

Over the past six months, I've been drawing more and more closer to Jesus and he has been increasing my capacity to give and receive real Love. The more real Love I have in my life the less and less I feel defined by homosexuality, the "gay" label, or even the "ex-gay" label.

I don't see any evidence that homosexuality is an "orientation" on its own. Looking at my own body and others, I can see that it was just a distortion of it. Regardless I don't see any reason to define myself by it anymore. Even if the remnants of it were to remain till I die, it still wouldn't be worth forming a separate identity or label out of it.

I have to admit I was a little offended by the "brainwashing" comment, but I realize you didn't mean it in a hostile way. The only person who has That much influence over me is Jesus and I WANT him to brain-wash me...and wash my Heart and everything else.:)

I start most days now with 6am mass at a catholic church near my house. I go to a non-denominational Bible study group on Tuesday nights that is not ex-gay related. The guys in my Bible study group have been Awesome in helping me stay accountable to break the addiction of porn and other bad influences online, but they were only helping me to reach a goal that I set for myself. They didn't initiate that work. I ASKED them for help and I bought software that enabled transparency for that process.