Defensive Humor: Jokes & One Liners

"He is sane man who can have Tragedy in his heart and Comedy in his head." - G.K. Chesterton 

I tend to "process" through "Defensive Humor" - (Psychologists' term for when I tell a dumb joke to change the subject). Occasionally I come up with some that are pretty decent. I also like to collect ones I hear in other places. I'll probably try to separate this into a General post and one with ongoing jokes related to the SSA struggle. It's important to laugh sometimes. ;) Please feel free to add to this in the comments section (I'll moderate to ensure everything is clean)

"Well, you's complex, Oedipus" 

For the record, I don't need your validation. I just desperately crave it.

I think Food had replaced acting-out for me. Now, I can’t even get into my OWN pants.

My great aunts used to come up to me at weddings, pinch me and say "You're next! You're next!!!!"  They finally stopped when I started doing that to THEM at funerals. 

I used to love watching "The Wizard of Oz" when I was a kid. I think THAT is the root of my SSA problem. My parents should have intervened.    Seriously A movie about two chicks fighting over SHOES?!?!?!

There's a guy downstairs fixing my dishwasher. 
So this is what it's like to have a man in the house.


Does anyone want to be friends? 
I’m having an out-of-buddy experience.

I want to go work in a Mirror Factory.  
Seriously, I could really See Myself doing that!

My inner child has behavioural issues.


You say "uncontrollable rage disorder." 
I say "WHAT!?!? WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!?!?!"

I bet the inventor of the car alarm struggled with Abandonment-Annihilation.  
It's clear he was ignored as a child.

I've felt vaguely tense and irritable today for no reason. 
Has Glee started again?

Why is it called 'Glee' if it fills me with rage?

I can't prove it, but Taylor Swift may have taken my journal.

I'm not an Egyptologist...but I do have mummy issues.

Once you start making Freudian slips, it's just one after a mother.

I had an out-of-body experience today. My inner child ran away.

My Inner Child is an Honor Student!

My Inner Child just told me to go F___ myself.   
Geez!!!! Kids the days!

Kids should be warned against high-fiving. 
It's a gateway hug.

You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've destroyed looking for secret passageways.

Every time someone says, "Life's too short," I imagine Life's smile fading as it drops a basketball and decides not to try out for the team.

My Life Coach told me I'd have to get one before he could coach me on it.

My Life Coach advised me to run out the clock.

My Life Coach told me to fake an injury.

My Life Coach just benched me.

My health plan only covers for a therapist tell me her problems.

My therapist said I have trust issues, but I think she's a liar.

I wish I had the self confidence of Gap employees or even people who pronounce the “h” in herb.

The term "plagued with self-doubt" comes from the Great Self-Doubt Plague of 1347
Over two million people lost their poise.

Emotionally I am a high five that fails to make contact.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

I don't just have issues. 
I have a subscription.

I told my counselor that sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
He replied: "Who said that?"


Make someone feel uncomfortable today. 
Hug a friend or family member just long enough for it to be awkward.  

I'm on a twelve and a half step program for overachievers.


I'm taking baby steps towards success. 
(Just when I think I'm getting somewhere I fall down and start crying)

When someone says, "Talk to the hand cause I won't listen," desperately grab their hand and cry, "It's so good to have someone to talk to!" 


Sometimes I chase fly balls at the batting cages. 
Just to field something. Anything.


The Anthropologie cashier asked "How did everything work out?" and I answered honestly - starting with childhood trauma.  Now now we're both crying.


I can't remember.
Is it called "Jock Itch" or "Athletes Penis"?

Why didn't anybody tell me about peeing standing up?  


Two roads diverged in the wood and I-I took the one less traveled by and that probably explains the poison ivy and this bear chasing me.


I wish I was a book so that I could wear great quotes about myself all over my jacket.


If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.


Where I'm from, Carl's Jr's are called Hardees and gay people are called all sorts of horrible things.


I have a love/hate relationship with going to extremes.


I got a feeling I'll be starting sentences with "when I grow up..." for the rest of my life.


I was born out of headlock, despite the efforts of our family physician, Dr. Wrestling.


I like my Number Lock like I like my addictions: enabled.


I used to wrestle with my conscience a lot. 
One day, things went too far and I killed the poor guy.

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me say, "Whoa! That was close!"  

Guys who drive Scions probably had unhealthy relationships with comic books growing up.


Just once I'd like the chip on someone's shoulder to be a Pringle


The Austrian version of “Dancing With the Stars” will feature two men dancing together - a gay version of “Dancing With the Stars."  I thought WE were already watching the gay version.

I like warm muffins in the morning.  That's why I wear Long Johns to bed.


The mighty oak tree is the result of a Nut who held his ground.


This new "Neighborhood Watch Program" is never going to work if they keep closing their blinds!.   


Happiness is seeing the woman you love... well, until she sees You and then closes the blinds.


The late Carl Jung would be turning in his grave if he knew Punxsutawney Phil refused to acknowledge his shadow!

"I don't know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends." - Misery 


I have this one friend who seems to think that Violence is the answer to EVERYTHING! 
He doesn't pick fights. 
He's just really bad at Quizzes and Tests. 


Rain is just a bunch of humidity that's tired of living a lie. 


I love you more today than yesterday...Yesterday you really got on my nerves!

I adopted my cat from "Feral Friends." 
It's an Ex-Stray ministry.


It seems like everyone in my department is playing dumb today...
So far I'm winning though 


There is a very fine line between "I should update my Facebook status with this" and "I should talk to my therapist about this." 


The label fell off. I didn't know it was a can of Worms!


I went to a support group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.


I went to a support group to help with my ADD but no one paid any attention to me! 


I’m forming a support group for people addicted to being anonymous, but I’m not sure what to name it.


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
In fact, don’t bite ANYONE’s freakin' weirdo!


The NAACP said it is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the “National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.” 

When having a conversation, half of my brain is focused on talking, the other half is a play-by-play announcer judging how well it's going.

When a waiter says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into their eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."

"Maybe she’s born with it... Maybe she’s a monster wearing a ton of makeup.” - Maybelline 

So another name for a rhinestone cowboy is a transwestite, I guess.


When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to date them.


In Los Angeles, the Oscars are like a national holiday. Everyone spends the whole weekend putting on their mascara.  And the women are even worse.

Where are we going?   ....and what am I doing in this Handbasket?!?!? 

"Jeremy is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that he may cause Nausea, Anxiety, Vomiting, Fatigue, Insomnia, and Temporary Insanity. Women under 30 may experience general digestive discomfort as well as a loss of sexual appetite. Ask your Doctor if Jeremy is right for You."


"So You Thought You Could Date?" would be a really bad reality show that's also my life.


Boy meets girl. Boy stalks girl on Facebook. 
Nothing else happens.

About 86% of my attempts to flirt end with me apologizing.

Call me romantic, but if you sext enough wrong numbers, one of them will take.


 According to the commercials, the key to a happy heterosexual relationship is Herpes.

Can't a guy just mention what month it is and which day of that month it is without it having to be a date?


I went out with a girl with fiery red hair and a pale thin body. I met her on 


You know a relationship is starting to sour when the "I" gets dropped from "I love you."


You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. 
Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.

In my ideal marriage, neither of us would be wearing the pants. 

You really inspire me to be a bitter person.


Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy really fast.   
....AND if you don't put in some effort nothing comes out of it.


My life is the opposite of an Axe commercial.


“Days of Our Lives” is adding a gay storyline for the first time in 45 years. 
It’s about a guy who watches “Days of Our Lives." 


He was annoying, but not "browsing the Whole Foods olive bar" annoying.


"I still wanna be friends” is the same as saying “pretend none of this ever happened”.

All my exes live on Chex Mix.

"We need to talk” she said, and I immediately knew what that meant. Our sponsored silence was over.

Women always treat me like I'm a piece of meat!  
...and like they are Vegetarians.


There's definitely a market for a phone dating service where two strangers sit silent and listen to each other's silence.

Will you be my "it's complicated" on Facebook?


Cutlery will get you silverware.


Dating sites always have filters, like "must be blonde," but they never have the ones you really need, like "must have low expectations."


Does anyone have a hot glue gun I can borrow?
Or a regular glue gun with an awesome personality?


The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"


We've been through so much together…and Most of it was your fault.


Don't play with Fire! 
Just be straightforward and tell Fire how you feel!


 That moment when the girl you thought you were dancing with was actually looking for her earring and no on else in Starbucks can hear your iPod


The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too. 
She began running so I ran too. 
She screamed and so I screamed as well. 
I never even saw what we were running from


  1. hsahHA. You've got an awesome sense of humour.

  2. awesome, I "borrowed" a couple of them