What is Love?

Below is an email I sent to a friend. The analysis of Romeo and Juliet was first brought to my attention in a book by Mario Bergner called Setting Love in Order, a book that I would highly recommend. It is a short, quick read, but really powerful.

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I think it is pretty enlightening when we measure our own thoughts, motives, and actions against God's description of Love in 1 Cor 13. It is rare that we live up to this, but I've noticed when I was in the lifestyle that I was constantly doing things that were the exactly the opposite and yet calling it "love."

"⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes. Love never ends."  1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The last sentence drives home an important point. There is a song I used to listen to in high school that went “It must have been Love, but it's over now...” Unfortunately it really epitomizes the pathetic and erroneous view I used to have that Love was an emotion or feeling that can come and go or can be conditional. I just googled the lyrics to that song. It goes:

“It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out”

My ex-partner argued with me after he left that there are “several different types of love.” He pointed out that the Greeks have “five different words for it.” I emphatically disagree.  There is ONLY ONE TYPE OF LOVE. There are many ways of giving it and various degrees of intensity, but there is ONLY ONE KIND because all love comes from God and is impossible to experience apart from Him. There are lots of feelings and emotions that people mistakenly call “love.” These emotions, feelings, and attractions are not necessarily bad things, but they should never ever be mistaken for “Love.” Love is an Action Verb and it is a gift that is given. It is not ever a feeling or an emotion. We do ourselves and others a grave disservice when we adopt the view that there is any other form of “Love” other than what is described in detail 1 Corinthians 13. 

The Five Greek words for Love describe methods for giving Love, but even these are greatly misrepresented and mistranslated within our modern understanding.  One glaring example is “Eros” which refers to expressions of passion and physical touch, but it is also includes the desire to protect and defend. It is the word used to refer to a warrior’s passion for protecting his homeland. In Plato’s Symposium, he explains that “eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth.”

If you look at the other four Greek words for Love, all of them are simply expressions of the same Love described in 1 Corinthians 13. They are all basically action verbs and require selfless action rather and than emotional selfish temporary conditions the way our modern view of “romantic love.”

·         Agape (αγάπη agápē) – This is often referred to as “unconditional Love.” It is now the only word for Love that remains in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπώ), which means "I love you."

·         Philia (φιλία philia) means friendship in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love. For a good discussion of this concept read Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics.  It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity.

·         Storge (στοργή storgē) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family.

·         Thelema (θέλημα thélēma) means "desire" in ancient and modern Greek. It is the desire to do something, to be occupied, or to be in prominence.

As previously stated, my viewpoint is not that romantic feelings or emotions are necessarily bad things. These can lead eventually to the giving of real Love, but they should never be confused with real Love because these feelings are entirely myopic. They are based on internal desires, emotional experiences, and often long held fantasies rather than the action verb of giving love. In our modern twisted vernacular we often refer to a couple as being “in love” because they publicly demonstrate their physical and emotional desires for each other. This is a misnomer because these are superficial, temporary and selfishly motivated. Most couples stay in this stage for 1-2 years after they meet. This is referred to by psychologists as the “infatuation” stage. If both individuals maintain perspective these feelings and emotions can lead them to eventually make the choice to give real Love to each other.

These emotions are not bad in themselves, but they are not synonymous with Love. They can often be contradictory to the 14 required elements of real Love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13: “patient, kind, non-envious, non-boastful, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeping no record of wrongs, not delighting in evil but rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and most importantly never ends.” Few of these attributes really apply to the situations most of us refer to as being “in love.”

You mentioned "Romeo and Juliet" in your other email and that you often felt emotions similar to theirs and their "forbidden love." I can relate to what you are describing, but I do not believe that Romeo Loved Juliet. I'm serious! What they had was the Opposite of Love. Shakespeare’s play showed this, but our modern view has distorted everything. I personally believe that Shakespeare never intended anyone to believe that Romeo and Juliet loved each other in any way, shape, or form. For one thing the 16^th century view of suicide was much different from our modern sympathetic view.

The only character in the play who demonstrates Love is Paris . He is the one who really and truly Loves Juliet.

Take a look at the opening Prologue of Romeo & Juliet. It is clear that Shakespeare did not view Romeo and Juliet’s relationship as healthy or loving in any way. He calls it “death-marked” for a reason.

“A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life; Whose misadventure piteous overthrows do with their death bury their parents’ strife. The fearful passage of death-marked love.” (Prologue, lines 6-9)

One of the first scenes is Romeo talking with his cousin Benvolio. He is lovesick over his current fascination Rosaline and she has rejected him. Benvolio tells Romeo to just forget about her. He thinks that simply meeting a new girl will solve all of Romeo’s problems and so he takes him to a party. It’s quite symbolic I think that all of the guests are wearing masks. Romeo first sees Juliet across the room right before she puts on HER mask.

Romeo covers his own face with a mask and then approaches her. The first fourteen lines that they say to each other are in Sonnet (love poetry) form and they are BOTH wearing masks.

ROMEO

[To JULIET] “If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.”

 

JULIET

“Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.”

 

ROMEO

“Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?”

 

JULIET

“Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.”

 

ROMEO

“O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.”

 

JULIET

“Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.”

Let’s take notice of something here!  Neither of them are seeing each other directly. They are BOTH looking at masks. Don’t you think it is scary that two people can “fall in love” with the others’ MASK (fake appearance)?!?  They do not love the person behind the mask (the real self) AT ALL!

Look at Romeo’s first words to Juliet. He describes her as a “holy shrine” whom to touch would be “profane.” Juliet is not a normal (real) person to him. He doesn’t want a REAL person. He only wants his fantasy.

Act 2 begins with another sonnet. Take a look at this part:

Chorus: “Now Romeo is beloved and loves again,
Alike bewitched by the charm of looks,”  (Act 2, prologue, lines 5-6)

Romeo has fallen for a pretty face. He is mesmerized by this so called “love.” He climbs over a wall into Juliet’s courtyard and watches her from the garden. He sees this person that he thinks he “loves” and then says this:

Romeo: “But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!”  (Act 2, sc. 2, lines 2-25)

Earlier Romeo was at the party and under “love’s spell.” He was so charmed by Juliet that he called her a “holy shrine.” Now he sees her as the “the sun, the moon, and the stars in the heavens.”  He is seeing her as everything BUT the flesh and blood human being that she really is.

He cannot POSSIBLY Love her because he doesn’t even want to know the real her. He is in love with the way his heart SYMBOLIZES her (holy shrine, sun, moon, stars). He is only in love with the IDEA of her and that fake relationship. He has confused the appearance of love with the reality of it. By the end of that scene, they have vowed to marry each other. As Romeo is leaving, Juliet calls him back. Romeo’s reply to Juliet is worth examining:

“It is my soul that calls upon my name. How silver-sweet sound lovers’ tongues by night, Like softest music to attending ears!” (Act 2, scene 2, lines 164-167)

Huh?!?!  Ok so now Juliet symbolizes Romeo’s own soul to him???  The Soul is feminine. It is not uncommon for a man to see in a woman some aspect of his soul. In the Bible the soul is symbolized as feminine. Both men and women are called “the Bride of Christ.” 

I heard on WBAP the other day that most men who cheat on their wives do so with less attractive women than their wives because they are longing to be appreciated by someone…anyone. They find excitement in that. Those that leave their wives for the other woman quickly find out that the fire burns out fast. Then they start longing for the real love that they once had from their former spouse. Once they get what we think we want, we still feel empty and unfulfilled.

Romeo asks Friar Laurence to marry them. At first the Friar thinks he is referring to Rosaline, the girl he was “in love” with a few days earlier. He is shocked to learn that Romeo is now “in love” with Juliet and wants to Marry her after only knowing her a short time.  Friar Laurence says to Romeo:

“Holy Saint Francis, what a change is here!  Is Rosaline, whom thou didst love so dear, so soon forsaken? Young men’s love then lies not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes.” (Act 2, scene 3, lines 61-68)

Friar Laurence ends up agreeing to marry them because he thinks it will bring peace to their feuding families. As Romeo and the friar await Juliet’s arrival, Romeo tells the friar:

“Do thou but close our hands with holy words, then love devouring death do what he dare; It is enough I may but call her mine.”  (Act 2, scene 6, lines 6-8)

This “love” that he is describing is tragic. It is narcissistic and self-seeking. Romeo is obsessed with possessing Juliet like an object. This is the OPPOSITE of real love.    

“Love is not self-seeking…”  (1 Corinthians 13:5)

After this point in the play, we discover Paris (Juliet’s original fiancée’) He is the only character who shows real Love. He really does love Julie, but she is so blinded by her obsessive and fake love for Romeo that she can no longer feel this real love. Her parents set a wedding date because they are unaware that she is no longer “in love” with Paris and has in fact married Romeo.

Tragic fake “love” is irresponsible and it takes the easy way out. Juliet does not take responsibility for marrying Romeo and does not tell her parents that she cannot marry Paris . She tries to find an easy way out by faking her suicide.  

This fake kind of “love” is also idolatrous. It is so distorted that it becomes almost worship.

Being “in love” (to use the common vernacular) is not Love at all. Emotional Love is a genuine and important need, but it is not the same as this fantasy “love”.  Most of us tend to have the view that being “in love” makes life a never-ending Springtime – filled with happiness and that being “out of love” means the World is a cold dark place. 

When Romeo thinks that Juliet is dead, he goes to her grave to kill himself. He is surprised to find Paris is there mourning for Juliet (an appropriate response). Romeo does not go there to mourn or grieve in a healthy way. He goes there to dramatically kiss her one last time and take his own life. He does not consider the pain he will cause his own family and friends. Tragic “love” does not consider the feelings of others.

Paris went to Juliet’s tomb to mourn her death and say good-bye. Grief is the proper response to the loss of true love. Even though grief can sometimes lead to despair, someone with real love knows better than to inflict more pain on himself or others. By his grief, Paris proves that he really Loved Juliet in the REAL way. Romeo doesn’t take any time to grieve. Juliet awakens to find both Romeo and Paris dead. She doesn’t take time to grieve either. She opts for suicide.

In the version we did when I played Romeo (10 years ago), Juliet uses the same dagger to kill herself that Romeo used to kill Paris . I thought it was symbolic that the dagger represents this fake “love” which destroys REAL LOVE.

Both families arrive and despair over the loss of life. The two families reconcile and the play ends with these words:

“For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.” (Act 5, sc. 3, lines 309-310)

 

Ok, after bashing the false “romantic love” let’s take a look briefly at the real thing. I got Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages of Singles a few months ago. He describes “Covenant Love” (the REAL thing)

“Covenant Love is a conscious Love. It is intentional Love. It is a commitment to Love no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for encouragement of warm emotions but chooses to look out for the best interest of the lover because you are committed to the other’s well being.”   (ch. 1)

The goal of a marriage should not be to bask in the euphoria of temporary emotions which are based primarily on our own fantasies which we tend to project onto others and which others project on to us. The goal should be to discard these fantasies and focus instead on purposefully giving unconditional real Love in a deep and settled confidence.

"⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes. Love never ends."  1 Corinthians 13:4-8