Text from last night: "Fallen in Love"

A few weeks ago, a guy came to our meeting who had recently come into the church and seemed to be struggling emotionally. I talked with him afterward about his journey and the various opportunities for support and healing. He seemed interested, but not fully committed. Last night (around midnight), I was in bed when I woke up too see a text from him saying  "I've fallen in love with someone who loves me back for the first time."  

I woke up and started praying fervently. I called him and pulled out my copy of Shame & Attachment Loss and Setting Love in Order and every other resource I could find. He already knew my beliefs, but I let him talk and try to convince me that this new situation he was in was "true love" etc.. I knew it wouldn't help to just harshly rebuke what he was saying, but I wasn't going to agree with him either. I asked him a lot of questions and tried to get him to express his authentic emotions. I wrote down the details:

"met four days ago" 

"on grindr"

 etc, etc...

I wasn't sure how to respond at first, but I told him that IF this was objectively "real love" than he should pray for this other guy's best good and be open to listening to God. He seemed resistant, but he let me pray for both of them.  Then, I acknowledged the Feelings he had stated and admitted that I used to feel that way about each new relationship as well. Feeling "completed," "loved," etc. - and each new guy seemed "Perfect in every way" (for the first 3-4 months).

For a moment, it sounded like he thought he'd convinced me that going forward with this "relationship" was "OK" and the right thing to do. I then explained that I had realized those feelings in me were always driven by the OPPOSITE of each and every point listed to describe Love in 1 Corinthians13 (Jealousy, envy, desire my own way, etc.)

I was nervous, but I felt "IF I don't tell him this, WHO will?" -

He talked a little longer and I finally said, 

"I know what you are feeling because I have felt that way too. I also know that what you are feeling for him and what he is feeling for you is the OPPOSITE of Love. It is driven by your projections onto him and has absolutely nothing to do with any real love or concern for HIS well being - His attraction for you is driven by the projections he has onto you. I KNOW that you're feelings for him are NOT love for him and I know that YOU KNOW that as well.

Like Romeo and Juliet - you are seeing each others' masks. This has nothing at all to do with Love. IF you want to LOVE him, you will start by setting firm boundaries and ending this NOW."

I blurted all of that out rather quickly and nervously. I fully expected him to hang up on me, but after a few minutes of awkward silence, he acknowledged that it was true. We talked some more and I explained how healing can occur. When we ended the call, he said "I am so glad we talked tonight."

Anyway, please keep my friend in your prayers. Hopefully he will follow through on the right decision.

Pax Christi,
Jeremy