Showing posts with label exgay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exgay. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Back from "Beyond"

I just got back from staffing "Journey Beyond" the advanced program that builds on "Journey into Manhood" (JiM). It was REALLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!

This is my second time staffing JB - it's only offered once a year, but I got to take on a bigger role and see a lot of amazing transformations take place. We had a priest on our staff and we were able to have daily mass for the second year in a row. That was really powerful. I'd highly recommend "Journey Beyond" for anyone. I have had a few non-SSA friends go as well and they say it changed their lives as well.

Anyway, one of the per-requisites to go to "Journey Beyond" is the "Journey into Manhood" (JiM) weekend - since JB builds a lot on that experience. There are three weekends coming up:
  • September 27-29, 2013: Indiana
  • October 1-3, 2013: Israel
  • October 18-20, 2013: Texas
"Journey into Manhood" (JiM) changed my life back in 2009 and opened up a whole new world for me in terms of relating to other men and overcoming the limiting effects of SSA. "Journey Beyond" took that to the next level in 2011 and I've continued to see God working miracles in my life that began there.

Here is the link for more info:

Pax Christi,

Monday, June 24, 2013

Restored Hope Network lives up to its name

I went to the Restored Hope Network conference this past weekend. (  It was really nurturing and encouraging, especially after this past week. It was really cool to meet so many of the original founders and previous leaders of Exodus (Frank Worthen, Anne Paulk, Andy Comiskey, etc.)

I got to go to dinner with their Board of Directors afterward and was really inspired by their enthusiasm for the ministry work ahead. It changed my original perception of them which had been based on a few statements that originally seemed to me to be harshly worded. I got a much more well-rounded understanding of them and found it really refreshing.
It was also really exciting to hear that they are partnering with Christopher West ( who will be helping them implement Pope John Paul II's "Theology of the Body" as well as Catholic therapist Dr. Joseph Nicolosi ( who pioneered many advances in Reparative Therapy.

This past week had been really rough. I wasn't surprised by Alan Chamber's statements and "apologies" but the finality of the Exodus decision hit me hard. That was followed by several emails from a former friend who is a gay activist and wanted to offer me "support."

I was crying out to God and feeling ALONE for the first time in a long time. I know that is silly. I know hundreds of guys on this same journey who have found healing and transformation through Jesus Christ and many who have benefited from Reparative Therapy, but last week I really felt isolated and cornered by the World. Anyway, this past weekend was a very refreshing time of prayer and worship. I would say this small organization has lived up to their name: they helped Restore MY Hope. ;)

Pax Christi,

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Prayer Request: Sharing my Testimony

"Do not refrain from speaking at the crucial time, and do not hide your wisdom." - Sirach 4:23 

"They have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony" - Revelation 12:11

I have a quick prayer request. I will be recording a short video about the healing that has occurred in my life over the last three years since I left the gay lifestyle.  The video will be part of the Voices of Change website which is run by my friends at P.A.T.H. (Positive Alternatives to Homosexuality).

For me, this is about reaching Souls and proclaiming the Truth. It goes way beyond current politics (the principalities of this present darkness). I've been fasting and praying that I can speak to hearts with Love and grace. I just finished praying a Rosary and will start recording in a few minutes.

I have only recorded one other webcam video: This one was part of a TV interview (via Skype) with a TV station on the East Coast. I had to get up at 5:00am and clean my room before they called me on Skype at 6:00am. (If I'd overslept, that'd been really embarrassing - LOL) ;)

Anyway, this time I can prepare more and tailor my own message. I wrote out some of my own story in these two posts: "Surrendering to Christ at Disney's Gay Pride" and "Reply to my old gay bible study group." I don't want it to be just MY message though. This is God's story. I want to be open to let the Holy Spirit say what he wants to say.

Btw, my friend Blake has made several really awesome videos. If you haven't already watched his, check them out here:

Pax Christi,

P.S.: One other prayer request. I got asked to speak to over 100 High School students in Confirmation at a parish on February 17th. I've never given a talk in public about this issue and certainly not to High School students. I can use some prayers about what to say and how to convey the Truth with Faith, Hope, and Love.

Friday, January 18, 2013

"Let the Lower Lights be Burning"

"my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge." - Hosea 4:6

In 1871, a ship was approaching the harbor of Cleveland. The captain, noticing only one light as they drew near — that from the lighthouse —asked the pilot if he was quite sure that it was Cleveland harbor, as other lights should have been burning to illuminate the rocks along the harbor mouth. The pilot replied that he was quite sure it was Cleveland, whereupon the captain inquired:

'Where are the low­er lights to mark the shore?'

'Gone out, sir.'

'Can you make the har­bor?'

'We must, or we will per­ish, sir!'

And with a strong hand and a brave heart, the old pi­lot turned the wheel. But alas, in the dark­ness he missed the channel, and with a crash upon the rocks the boat was shiv­ered, and ma­ny lives were lost in a wat­ery grave.
As D.L. Moody related the news of this maritime disaster to his congregation, he made this appeal:
"The Mas­ter will take care of the great light-house: let us keep the low­er lights burn­ing!"
Among Moody’s hearers that evening was Mr. Philip P. Bliss, the well-known hymn writer, and the striking story at once suggested to him one of his most popular hymns: "Let the Lower Lights Be Burning."

This song is really powerful for me because so many of my friends and I wrecked our lives on the rocks (just like that ship) in part because the "Lower Lights" that should have been burning were forcefully extinguished in the name of "Tolerance." 

As I started to describe in my (1/8/2013) post "St. Joseph, the Navy Seal," the ministry and evangelism efforts that I've felt God has led me to over the past year has been all about frantically lighting "the lower lights." 

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." - Matthew 5:14-16

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


In this video, my friend Blake shares some powerful insights as he explains why he chose Christ and decided to leave behind gay relationships.  

Check out his other videos which are also really powerful:

Pax Christi,
P.S.: I shared some of my own similar experiences in my post titled: "Response to my old 'gay bible study' group" - September 2010

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

St. Joseph, the original Navy Seal

I was struggling with a lot of anger this past week over a blogger who relentlessly attacks everyone I know. He uses every accusation he can find (no matter how ridiculous) and spreads rumors all over the place. He viciously attacks and mocks everyone who attempts to support those of us seeking emotional healing and reduction of SSA. His beliefs and approach seem identical to Wayne Besen's blog, but this guy claims to be a "Christian Professor" and people mistakenly believe he is on our side so they forward links to his blog all over the place. 

I feel some Shame though because I erupted in anger when someone emailed me with a link to his blog. I wasn't so much angry about his latest attacks (mocking my friends Arthur and Alan at JONAH), but I was furious that people think he still on our side and then use him as a source. I dropped a lot of really important things especially tasks for ministry work (providing encouragement and affirmation to my friends in need). I instead focused my energy on arguing with him (which was NOT on my to-do list for that day). Not only was it a waste of time, it was potentially counter-productive to the ministry work to the individuals that God has placed in my path.
"Man's anger does not accomplish God's righteousness" - James 1:20
 In our local Courage chapter, a therapist here in Dallas / Fort Worth has started leading us in a program he developed called "St. Joseph's Workshop."

This past week we had our first section and part of the process/discussion focused on the manly virtues demonstrated by St. Joseph during the events we commemorate in Christmas. Obviously as a foster-father to God, he had a lot of responsibility.

The part that stood out to me was in Matthew's gospel with the Flight into Egypt (Matthew 2:1-12). The discussion question was:
"What manly virtues did St. Joseph demonstrate in the 'Flgiht into Egypt' (Matt 2) and how does that relate to my life?"
I had never thought of it in terms of myself being in St. Joseph's place, but I realized what MY impulse would be if an angel appeared to me and told me that soldiers were coming to kill all of the children.  

My instinct as man would be to grab a sword and run out to try to STOP the soldiers - knowing that I'd probably die in the process, "but at least I did SOMETHING!"

I remember how I felt when I first heard of the CT school shooting and I cannot imagine what St. Joseph went through - being told AHEAD of time that something like that would happen and then be told he could not do anything to stop it. I cannot imagine having to just "RUN."

I seem to have an inclination to try to "fix what is wrong with the World" and I can easily get distracted by big political events and /or useless arguments about big political events. There is a part of me that just wants to "FIGHT the good fight" and even be a "martyr" for cause of justice. That's the raw emotional response in how I reacted to the blogger last week.

"There are many who would eagerly be martyred in front of the astonished gaze of thousands, but will not bear the pinpricks of daily life with a cheerful spirit, but think! Which is more heroic?"  - St. Josemaría Escrivá (founder of Opus Dei)
When I got asked last month to be on the Dr. Oz show (, at first I really wanted to go and argue for the truth, but God seemed to be telling me "NO."  I am glad that others were called to fight that fight, but it was clear that for one reason or another God didn't want ME to do this particular program.

In Matthew 2:1-12, St. Joseph was given very specific instructions to take Mary and the baby Jesus and RUN.  If he had acted in any other way or tried to handle things his OWN way (like I'm so inclined to do), he would not have fulfilled the mission God called him to do.

St. Joseph's mission in life was very much like a Navy Seal. He had to sneak past enemy lines and ignore the big explosions and fighting all around him. He had to stay the course, have courage and faith - AND focus on the one specific task he was given - even while it may have seemed like the enemy was winning big glorious battles right in front of him.

Since I came back into the Church and surrendered my life to Christ, there have been many occasions where the Holy Spirit has led me to specific people and places where I've had the privilege of participating in HIS harvest and seeing soul's revived and lives transformed (ONE at a time). Sometimes the mission is just to plant seeds, but I can still seem to tell when I have accomplished the mission and when I have NOT.

I have to learn to daily surrender to God's will and trust the Holy Spirit to lead me where I need to go. It's just really hard though to have to see the enemy win his seemingly spectacular battles (politics, the media, etc.) and knowing that I CAN'T fight those battles and can't fix the World in aggregate. Sometimes it is painful to obey and accept that I can't save everyone. It is hard to trust and let go of my OWN will. However, I know that staying focused on the "little things" and obeying his voice, keeps me rooted in HIM and through HIM my small efforts will bear fruit. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Text from last night: "Fallen in Love"

A few weeks ago, a guy came to our meeting who had recently come into the church and seemed to be struggling emotionally. I talked with him afterward about his journey and the various opportunities for support and healing. He seemed interested, but not fully committed. Last night (around midnight), I was in bed when I woke up too see a text from him saying  "I've fallen in love with someone who loves me back for the first time."  

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Three of my old Gay friends are choosing Christ

In the last two days, I've received calls from TWO guys that I used to know when I was in the gay lifestyle. Both called to look for help in getting OUT of it. One of them met with a Christian counselor tonight and the other one is checking out the NARTH and Courage websites right now.

I also found out last year that one other guy I had dated (briefly back in 2003) has also left the gay lifestyle through an Exodus International ministry. God is AWESOME!

Pax Christi,

Monday, October 1, 2012

Travesty in California

Please pray for everyone in the state of California. Yesterday, their Governor signed into law a horrible attack on religious freedom and an attack on many programs that provide REAL help to youth with this particular struggle. As of today, it is legal in California to give hormone blockers to an 11 year-old boy in order to delay the onset of puberty, but starting January 1st it will be illegal for a 17 year-old with unwanted same-sex attractions to receive professional counseling, even with parental consent.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Learning to (really) LOVE - a slow process for me

I got an email last week from a guy who seemed at first like he just wanted to argue with me. I ended talking with on the phone and after a few minutes I really wanted to hang up. He was throwing out arguments about "gay love" and gay-marriage etc.

In the past, I would have struggled with wanting to believe those arguments. Now, they just make me angry. I guess a lot of that anger comes from my own emotional wounding. It's difficult to separate that though and not unleash that on someone else. 

I also get frustrated because I really want to show compassion, but I also believe in Absolutes and absolute truth. It is not compassion to withhold important Truths and/or to endorse someone's destruction based on political correctness. To me, when a friend says that they are "happy" about their newest "gay relationship" it is the same as a heroin addict telling me that they are "happy" that they got their latest "fix."  What am I supposed to say? "That's great! I'm happy for you?"  I am saddened and worried for them.

I started asking him more pointed questions and guide the conversation toward his core emotions and wounds. He resisted at first, but more and more he started opening up and expressing his anger, then sadness, and grief. He was in a gay relationship that just ended last week (the day he decided to contact me). He was still holding out hope that the illusion of "gay love" was real and he seemed really angry at me for insisting that it does NOT exist and that homosexuality destroys love

I didn't let go of my position or assent to his, but I resisted the urge to argue as well. I just kept asking questions about HIM and HIS feelings and encouraged him to focus on that for now ("and we can talk about religion and politics later"). 

Without arguing, I found a few opportunities to gently point out that what I was hearing him say was that he wanted real love. He grew up in a Christian home and even briefly visited a local ex-gay ministry.

I pointed out to him that REAL love from our mutual religious background is described in 1 Corinthians 13 as:  
"patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, it is not proud. does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs,does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I couldn't restrain myself from blurting out though that these adjectives are the POLAR opposite of every gay relationship I ever saw in 12 years. Not because the individuals were bad, but the relationship themselves were based on each person's emotional disorder. 

I prayed and fasted for him (and myself) for two days. I listened to his anger and ranting;
while praying and restraining my own reactions. I wanted to show him REAL LOVE and avoid judgement. I have no room to judge anyone. I was in the same trap for 12 years. I just want him to see the truth and avoid making the same mistakes I made. 

After two days of hearing his anger (which seemed directed at me at first, but then seemed to lessen), he went to grief and sadness. 
He texted me saying:  
"I really just need to cry." 
I called him and encouraged him to go into that grief (something he usually tries to avoid).

He seemed to get a lot better the next day. He said he has decided that he really wants his relationship to God to be more important, but said he wasn't sure if he was ready to let go of his "need" for a romantic relationship with a guy. He seemed to be really aware that his boyfriend's "love" was the polar opposite of 1 Corinthians 13

On Sunday night two JiM brothers invited me to meet them at a restaurant near here. After describing this situation to them, I texted him and invited him to join us. I had explained to him about Journey into Manhood and the groups I lead on Sunday afternoons called M.A.N.S. meetings (Masculinity, Authenticity, Need Fulfillment, and Surrender), but I think he forgot that I had said these were JiM bros.

After they left, he said it was the first time he has "felt comfortable relating to a group of straight guys.” He had no idea that they were SSA. (I thought it was funny that they jammed his Gaydar). He seemed amazed when I explained that they friends from JiM. He seems to be really grasping the concept that real change and growth is possible.

Please keep my friend in your prayers. Also, please pray that I will learn to show REAL love and compassion to others without judging them, but also being authentic with objective Truth. I still have a lot of learning and growth ahead of me before I can be a good instrument for conveying God's love.

Pax Christi,

Friday, August 31, 2012

New Survey Finds Therapy to Reduce Homosexuality Can Be Effective, Beneficial

Here (below) are the results of a survey that I participated in last week. There were about 500 of us across 19 countries. I realize everyone's personal needs and goals are a little bit different and in the past many SSA programs or ministries have failed to see that. I think that really has changed a lot though in recent years. Here is a great summary called "What We Mean by Change"

Pax Christi,
New PCC logo
August 30, 2012 

New Survey Finds Counseling to Reduce Homosexuality
Can Be Effective, Beneficial

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA -- In a new survey of almost 500 people who have ever sought professional counseling to lessen unwanted homosexual attractions, more than half (55%) said the counseling was effective in causing the frequency and intensity of their homosexual attractions to diminish. And seven out of 10 said they were either satisfied (25%) or very satisfied (46%) with their counseling experience.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My video in Polish

A lady in POLAND emailed me on Monday asking for information on RT and JiM. I sent her a few links, but I wasn't sure why she was asking
I found out that she translated the my YouTube video into POLISH and added subtitles along with a few other clips to make a SUPPORTIVE video for others in Poland. Here is her video:  (I really don't like the title they came up with, but understand what they were trying to say.) 
Pax Christi,

Thursday, March 22, 2012

"You're just bothering people. No one wants to hear from You!"

Last September, I started writing to church pastors and christian counselors about my own experiences in coming out of the "gay lifestyle" and I included information on ministries in their area (like the Courage Apostolate or Exodus International affiliate) as well as other resources in their area (like JiM weekends, Courage Sports Camp, and Adventure in Manhood

I started out writing them all by hand, but then started printing them so I could get them out faster. I still hand-address all of them though. Some of the called me to tell me they didn't know of anyone in their church who struggled with homosexuality, but that they would keep the information handy for the future. (I told them they should just start asking people. j/k ;)

So far, I've sent about 620 letters and I still feel like I should keep writing, but I have a lot of doubts and fears about how these are being received and IF I'm even doing any good or just wasting a lot of money and time. I have a lot of doubts about whether this was the right thing to do or if I was just freaking people out by writing them about THIS issue and even telling them my testimony (3-sentence high-level summary). I didn't specifically ask anyone to respond to me so it's ok that I haven't heard from most of them, but I have a hard time not telling myself stories about what they must be thinking. 

I got a few negative responses last week and another one today. One pastor in Rhode Island seemed really angry with me and emailed me to say:  
"You need to get a life! Don't ever contact me again!" 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Awesome text meesage - just now

A few weeks ago, I met a guy through a friend in my bible study group who had just recently decided to turn his life over to Christ and leave the gay lifestyle. It was 3 days after our Texas Journey into Manhood weekend in Houston and the program won't be offered here again for another year. I knew it would be one of the best ways for him to get started on the journey and I was praying for a way for him to go. I discovered I had just enough airline miles to get a plane ticket for him to go to the JiM weekend in Florida. I dropped him off at the airport Friday morning and had been praying for him all weekend.

I texted him just now to ask how his weekend went. I got this text back a few seconds later:  

Saturday, November 26, 2011

“God loves you more than any dude will ever love you."

When I was High School and College, a magazine called "XY" was extremely appealing to me. The magazine was filled with "eye-candy." It was basically soft-core porn, but it also portrayed gay "couples" my age in very romanticized ways that seemed at the time to speak to my deepest wounds and longings. I used to seek out the magazine every time I went to Barnes and Noble and browse it in awe. 

In retrospect, my experience was similar to that of Madam Bovary in Flaubert's novel who bought into to the FALSE "love" of romanticism. A narcissistic self-serving endless cycle of increasing desperation. The images and articles glorified the concept of "gay relationships" and the idealization of this homoerotic attraction as a form of "love."  (See my other blog post from 1/7/13: "What is Love?") It also included plenty of propaganda articles about the "Christian Right" and others (like Pope John Paul II) who allegedly were "filled with hate" for "people like us" because they wanted more for people with the homosexual condition than simply these shallow "relationships."

Michael Glatze, left
One of the main writers for XY at the time was Michael Glatze (pictured on the Left in this picture with Ben his "boyfriend" at the time). It has been a long time now since I've looked for that magazine. I found out recently though, that Michael turned his life over to Christ and left the gay lifestyle. Here is the story of his conversion published by Worldnet Daily on 7/3/2007:   'Gay'-rights leader quits homosexuality and a more detailed account:

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has followed up with Michael several times and they recently published this interviews: 2007 interview:
 Michael Glatze: Two Year Follow-up (2009)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

"Noble Man" - Healing Weekend By women For Men

I'm thinking of signing up to a totally different experiential weekend in November called "Noble Man." It is a weekend run By women For men. 

It is not specifically designed for SSA (same-sex attraction), but several of my friends have recommended it for help with relating to women and even possibly developing more OSA (opposite sex attraction). That's the part of this whole journey that is still the scariest for me - in part I don't yet have confidence that it's possible. I really need Faith on that.

The weekend was originally intended for OSA men (Opposite-Sex Attracted) who felt disempowered by women or had challenges in their relationships with women. Several of my SSA (same-sex attracted) friends have gone and said it helped them tremendously. They have highly recommended it. I think JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Healing) also co-sponsored this weekend a few times in the past.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Back from the BEYOND (Journey Beyond)

I really appreciate your prayers this past week while I was at "Journey Beyond" the advanced program for "Journey into Manhood" (JiM) grads. All I'll say for now is that I just returned from the most AMAZING ssa-healing experience ever! God made his presence known in a POWERFUL way the past 6 days. It was a major healing experience for all of us.

I cried (gallons) non-stop for four full days and then again last night when I got home. About 1/3 of that was crying with and for others. I felt so attuned to their wounds that I probably cried more for them than I did when it was my turn. My whole face covered in snot - it was nasty. ;)

Another 1/3 of the crying was a "draining of the swamp" for experiences and losses I should have grieved 15-20 years ago. I had a lot of support from the brothers there when re-experiencing that. Another 1/3 of the crying though was tears of absolute JOY!
I can definitely understand now why they didn't let me go last year. I would NOT have been prepared to handle it in a healthy way a year ago. I felt like I and the others were well supported though when we had to face our issues.

During one particular process I was able to see and experience God walking with me through all of the dark moments of my past -the worst of the wounds and the worst of my sins. The times in my life where I felt I was the farthest from God. It seems like he shined a brilliant light into those dark places (I could see even the dark rooms I had been in back then being lit up with a blinding light. Nothing was secret, but everything was being restored. I really experienced first hand the way He has been able to use those bad experiences for good and for fulfilling the work that He has for me to do in affirming others and leading others to Him and walking with them in their healing.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

"I Thirst for You!"

I'm working on a talk that I'm giving to my "Knights of Columbus" council tomorrow night on the book "Be a Man" by Fr. Larry Richards.

Anyway, I just ran across an AWESOME video and thought you might like it:

Pax Christi,

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Fr. Check on EWTN

Here is an interview with Fr. Check, the Director of the COURAGE Apolstolate, Fr. Check on EWTN. He talks about our "Sports Camp" around the 39min mark.  He was on my team for Baseball, Football, and Basketball.